How Can I Honor a Dis-Honorable Parent?
Dear Momma,
I know the Bible says to honor your parents. I know this is a commandment. I know this is the only one of the ten commandments with a promise attached… but how am I supposed to honor someone who doesn’t deserve my honor? Will I miss out on the promise if I cannot obey this commandment?!
This question is based on one of the ten commandments from Exodus 20:12 (NIV), “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” In Ephesians 6:1-3 (NIV) the Apostle Paul writes, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ – which is the first commandment with a promise – ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on he earth.’ ”
I have actually thought quite a lot about this question, as I was the product of one not-so-honorable parent. I understand the deep pain, broken trust, and betrayal that can be felt when a parent hurts you. This is a question I have asked God myself. Here are a few of the things He has shown me:
- Be safe. If you are in a situation with a parent who places you or others in danger, seek to remove your self from that situation. Seek help from another trusted adult: a police officer, pastor, teacher – someone who has the ability to help protect you.
- Don’t let yourself fall into offense. In other words, don’t find yourself on the attack of that parent. Walk away. Remove yourself. Don’t start a fight with that parent – it is NEVER productive, and it NEVER feels as satisfying as you think it should.
- Forgive that parent. This is probably the hardest part of all of this, especially as the hurt is intensified. Or repeated. I will talk specifically about forgiveness in another post, but know that this is a critical step for you to take – whether the parent is living or not.
- Think on the positives. Yes, there are positives. You are a big one! Think about the DNA you received from that parent. Think about the intelligence you may have received – was that parent good at math? Did they enjoy reading? Were they artistic? Did they like music? Play an instrument? Draw well? You may have to dig deep to find this one – go back and find old school annuals. What did they do that was really good? Did they play any sports? Were they handsome? Pretty? Have great hair? Eyes? Look for something – ANYTHING – positive. Think about how their DNA influenced you in a good way. Think about their ancestors – what kind of people were they? You may have to go back a generation or two to find something good. If you are adopted, orphaned, or know nothing about your ancestry – know that you have been adopted into the family of Jesus – and He has a great family tree!
- Whether the parent is still living or not, speak love or be silent. It’s true that if you cannot say something nice, you should not say anything at all. Better to be silent than to speak negatively – and the chances are, unless there is a NEED for your to speak negatively (someone is in danger), you will not enlighten anyone with your words – because others already know the character of that parent.
- Let your actions honor God. Don’t worry about honoring that parent. Honor God. Speak positively. Walk in love. Be an honorable son or daughter – not because that parent deserves it, but because God says so. And guess what?! YOU will get the blessing! You will inherit the promise because you honor God!